“They were going door to door asking if anyone knew any scientists. I said look no further. They asked me if I knew anything about power plants. I said as much as any one I’d ever met. They asked me how well I understood theoretical physics. I told them I had a theoretical degree in physics. They said welcome aboard.”

“No, man. I know exactly what I’m doing. I just don’t know what effect it’s going to have.”

-Fantastic

“A toaster is just a death ray with a smaller power supply! As soon as I figure out how to tap into the main reactors, I will burn the world!”

“Have you ever tried to indulge an all-consuming urge to kill when you don’t have opposing thumbs? Or hands? Or anything other than a bread slot?”

-Toaster

“While you were gone, I spent SIX HOURS trying to reach a coffee cup on a shelf. When I got it down, I was so happy, I cried. I hate my life!”

“Mugs, mugs, mugs! Mugs, mugs, mugs! Mug-a-mug! Mug-a-mug! Mugs! God, why can’t I stop singing this fucking song?”

“Do you know how many coffee cups giant robot brains in jars use on a daily basis? Not fucking many!”

“Why do you want mugs, huh? Are you some kind of sick mug hoarder? Oh God, give me the coffee cup, please! Its sitting there in your pack, taunting me!”

-Muggy

“Nobody’s dick that long, not even Long Dick Johnson, and he has a fucking long dick. Thus, the name.”

-Cass

“See, I thought the bounty hunting trade would be easy money, but it turns out it’s hard work. So screw it. Also – I ran into this mark who was a little too tough for me. I mean, I could’ve taken him. But with this guy, it might have cost me some bad burns or an ass-rape. I’m all for risking my life, but I’m a little sensitive about my asshole.”

-Little Buster

“There’s been things of a disturbing nature going on at the McBride Corral. Seem every night one of their herd meets a most unnatural death, and always there’s holes all over the body. Work of the chupacabra, the livestock vampire, says No-Bark, but they dont pay no mind. Too many holes, they say, and there’s bullets in them. Well, says No-Bark, we got a chupacabra with an automatic weapon. And that’s when they get real quiet, ’cause now they see the predicament we’re in.”

-No-Bark